Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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