I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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