barbara walters just said penis...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
