my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
