Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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