best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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