I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
