Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
