How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
