Please, let me fuck your mom
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
