this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
