I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
