Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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