Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
