Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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