If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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