my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
