Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I don't deserve a penis
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
