It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
