I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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