When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
where are my eyebrows?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
