she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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