When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
