If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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