can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
