So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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