can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
