The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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