Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
