I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
