Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
