; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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