I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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