i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
