I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
