That's when you crack a 10am beer
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I need moral support for this bender
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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