i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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