I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
