I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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