He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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