Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Girls should come with a carfax report
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
