She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
