It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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