I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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