I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
