cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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