She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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