I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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