Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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