the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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