I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
