My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize