i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
