I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
