well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
