a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
