i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i love accidental penises.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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